


A Little Morphine in All The Air

by Silver_and_gold_crow



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-11-28 21:56:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20973674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver_and_gold_crow/pseuds/Silver_and_gold_crow
Summary: Tanya Trevelyan no longer sleeps after the events at Haven. Neither does the commander of her forces.





	A Little Morphine in All The Air

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this chapter fairly drunk, but I want to keep going with it. The idea of the inquisitor not being able to sleep and running into Cullen has been bouncing around my mind for weeks now. Enjoy!

Sleep wouldn’t come.

In fact, it had been relatively scarce the events at Haven. Every night was a battle, except she wasn’t trained in this one. Swinging a sword was easy. Throwing a grappling hook at a demon was child's play. But trying to quiet her mind to find some peace, that was the hardest battle she’d ever encountered.

It had been a little over a month since Tanya Trevelyan and her counterparts had burst into Skyhold’s gates. She put on a brave face when speaking to the people--  _ her _ people. Even Bull had commented on how stoic she was after accepting the position of Inquisitor; gone was the sarcastic yet caring woman who had found a home in Haven. Not as many were lost as initially estimated, but the fact that anyone in a small, unassuming village died because of the Inquisition’s decisions was too much to bear.

Sleep wouldn’t come.

Every time her eyelids fluttered, images that should be left alone came to mind. The bodies lining the path to the trebuchet, a scream from a collapsing building, the look of anguish on Dorian’s face as a Templar slashed deep,  _ Corypheus. _

Tanya knew what she was signing up for when she volunteered to stay behind- certain death. That she could handle. The Trevelyan family had all but been guaranteed death for generations; most males enlisted in the Ostwick Circle or joined the military. The occasional black sheep female had as well. Since she was a child slashing at training dummies in the yard, Tanya knew she was destined to fight. And die doing so.

She wasn’t supposed to live.

Sleep wouldn’t come.

Letting out a groan of agony, Tanya swung her legs over the canopied bed. She had argued with Josephine for hours about the elegance of her quarters, telling the ambassador she had done nothing for the honor and why should she of all people get to sleep in luxury while there were frozen bodies buried under Haven.

Josephine got the final word. “You’re a leader now. This is how it must be.” 

It must have been very, very early judging by the glazed eyes of the patrols outside her quarters. The young man visibly jumped when her door swung open, and the widening of his eyes signaled a stifled yawn.

“At ease, soldier,” was all she said.

Every day more refugees funneled into Skyhold’s gates. In terms of space, there was plenty. The fortress spanned acres and already had stone structures perfect for housing. The worry was resources. As soon as the healers deemed her ready for combat, Tanya ventured out into the wild to gather herbs and seeds and logs to build a proper garden. In the few short weeks since its completion, the benefits had been immense; healers no longer had to risk their lives to venture out into the wild and could create their salves, potions, and tonics much faster. Even now, however, Tanya and her advisers had to plan for the next move.

_ The next move. _

Almost unconsciously, Tanya’s feet had led her to the doorway of her castle. She could see everything from the vantage point. The snowy mountains towered overhead--something she may have found beautiful if she wasn’t almost buried beneath them. The main gate prevented anyone from sneaking in or out. The tavern and its rowdy occupants were in plain sight. As was the medical camp.

_ Everyone dying in those tents has you to thank _ , a voice hissed deep in her mind.  _ There would be no pain, no suffering, if you hadn’t come along. _

Tanya swallowed deeply and felt a tremor run through her body. This voice, the whispering, sinister presence that resided inside her thoughts, had been an accompanying presence almost daily. If it were a person it would be dead by now.

The courtyard and medic camp were silent. Soon, within the next three hours probably, they would be filled with chatter and soldiers shouting orders and the groans of those being treated. But for now, it was eerily quiet.

Tanya sighed, her breath slightly condensing in the cool night air. Every window in the near vicinity was dark, devoid of candlelight. There was nowhere to go that would provide company. And perhaps that was a good thing.

She wandered down the stairs from the main castle and continued down into the courtyard containing the medical camps. For this early in the year the light breeze soothing. In only light traveling clothes and breeches, Tayna was more than comfortable. She took the steps carefully; for a warrior she relied on strength, not a light foot. She stopped by the first medic tent, and ran a hand softly along the canvas. The occupant was probably hurt because of some order she gave or some enemy of the Inquisition. It was her fault.

For the briefest of moments, Tanya worried the tears that touched her eyelids may overflow.  _ A leader must never show weakness, _ her father would have said. If the followers of the Inquisition saw her doubt, they might begin to as well.

During the journey from the mountainside to Skyhold, many a citizen of Haven had approached her. She listened to their complaints of sore feet and hunger pains, of the lost family heirlooms that would never be replaced, She had more than one former Templar or recruit approach her and bitterly demand answers for why the mages were chosen. She could handle all of those questions and, if not, Josephine was full of answers. It was when people came crying, perhaps with a scrap of cloth or simply a memory, Tayna broke. What could she do for the mother that lost a son, the daughter that lost a father, the family that would never again be whole?

Her eyes prickled with tears as she turned away from the tent. The past was in the past and the Inquisition was striving ever forward.  _ Tomorrow,  _ she thought,  _ I’ll plan with Lelliana to build a hospital. _

Tanya tore herself away from the tent and wandered north, toward the stables. Upon arriving the wooden barn had been claimed by termites and covered in birds nests; now it was a shining, light colored building that housed only the finest mounts an army could hope for. She smiled at the barn door, closed but half an inch, Blackwall had told her he would be ready at a moments notice, for an attack or simply the need of company. He was a trusted companion, even a friend.

She glanced toward the door leading back inside to the kitchens, but no light crept under the door. She would be equally as alone in there. 

One thing she missed desperately from Ostwick was the air. The shallowest of breaths would fill the nostrils with sea air and a warm, gentle breeze only found in a port. It felt like a hug and an adventure all bundled into one.

The night air of Skyhold was different. The air had a slight nip, even when it was warm. There was a consistent undercurrent of pine and spice that she found still hadn’t been dulled of weeks of inhabiting the mountains. It was almost alien.

Turning back, Tanya began the meander the stairs of the walls. All she would encounter would be fourth watch. She wanted to reprimand those she found nodding off, wanted to scream and ask if they remembered what happened at Haven, how so many lives were lost due to a premature celebration. But she couldn't. It was her duty to hold it together, to be a figurehead when there was none,

_ Maker, you’ve become father _ , she mumbled to herself. 

Once atop the ramparts, she stopped to stare at the mountains. The moons, mainly Satina, cast the eeriest glow among the rocks. In any other circumstance it would be stunning. However, she could only think of what could go wrong.

Tearing herself away from nature before her, Tayna’s eyes slowly wandered the landscape in front of her. There wasn’t a lot to see in the pitch dark that precedes the dawn, aside from shadows tethered to their post and a gleam of rock every so often. It was the most peace she had found since joining the Inquisition. 

If her eyes had not adjusted to the darkness, she never would have seen it. The tower before her, the  _ Commander’s tower _ , was muted in color, not the pitch black she expected. It was obviously from a singular candle flickering in a corner.

_ Turn away, _ she told herself.  _ You made a fool of yourself already, claiming you were glad he survived _ .

But she couldn’t. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, or the boldness that comes from almost dying. But Tanya took one step. And another. And another. Until she was at the door to Cullen’s quarters.

She knocked once, much more gentle than her fighting style would imply.

Silence.

_ Fell asleep with reports _ , Tanya thought and turned toward her own quarters. There would be time to speak to the Commander tomorrow.

“Enter,” a voice rasped.

Her hand hesitated at the door. Finally, she turned the knob to Cullen’s tower and entered. She had yet to have visited this strategic area of Skyhold; her meetings with the Commander were restricted to the war room and the impromptu sparring ring in the courtyard.

“This obviously isn’t an emergency,” Cullen said from his desk, hunched over so he would have to contort his entire body to view the doorframe.

Tanya said nothing. The commander of her forces was awake at the earliest hours of the morning, disheveled, and stunning.

Cullen finally looked up from the parchment before him and lurched out of his oversized chair. 

“I- Inquisitor,” he stuttered and saluted, arm over heart.

_There’s no reason to be disappointed in formality_ , Tanya told herself.  _ I am his superior, after all. _

“Commander Cullen,” she said and nodded to the papers on his desk. “Keeping busy I see?”

She had never seen such color in Cullen’s cheeks.

“Well- uh- yes, Your Grace. I-”

“Tanya,” she corrected him, gently.

“Tanya,” he repeated with a slight nod. “My sister, Mia, wrote to me when we first came to Skyhold. Maker only knows how she found me, but she’s furious I haven’t written. I wish I had more to fill her in on, but what’s to say? She knows I’m a commander, so I could just discuss running drills all day.”

Without meaning to, a snort blew through Tanya’s nose. “If she cares enough to send a raven to  _ Skyhold _ of all places, I’m sure she’d be more than happy to listen to drills.”

Cullen said nothing, only smiled gently.

Tanya’s breath caught in her throat. The way his eyes crinkled at the edges and his irises seemed to lose their usual cold, all knowing stare was enough to send the strongest warrior to their knees.

“Let me help,” she said before she felt her mouth open.

“No! I mean, Inquisitor, I can’t take up your valuable time with trivial family matters.”

“Cullen,” Tanya began. “My sister was lost to me years ago. I would give anything to write her again. Please, at least let me give you some places to start.”

The commander, still standing behind his desk, finally nodded and pulled up a chair that was nestled into the bookcases. “If you insist Inqui- Tanya,” he corrected himself with a small smile. 

And so the early hours of the morning commenced. She told Cullen everything she would wonder if she was looking at the Inquisition from the outside- Are you okay? Are your associates amenable? Do you need any comforts from home?

“Mia sounds like the real lion of the family,” Tanya blurted at one point, causing Cullen to shake with laughter. 

“You should hear her roar someday, Tanya. It’s unlike any scream you’ve heard before.” 

They both chuckled together, knees ocassionally bumping. Once the laughter finally subsided, their eyes met.

“Cullen, I-”

“Lady Trevelyan, please-”

Both parties grimaced and bowed their heads in deference to the other. Tanya finally spoke.

“I must get some rest before the council meets this morning. Thank you, Cullen. It was a pleasure to feel like a family again.”

Before Cullen could even utter a word, she was gone, out the rotunda into the mountain air.

Tanya took one last, deep inhale before pushing the door to the castle open.

Maybe Skyhold could become a home.


End file.
